Dearest Norm,

I once read a quote that went, “All happy marriages are the same. Each unhappy marriage is unhappy in its own way.” In my case, it was years of efforts to amend the dysfunctional family we had become, going to counselling (which only I went to because he refused) and discussing divorce and our son’s care (both before and after I had left). I mention these because after I left, my husband said to me, ‘You never told me you were unhappy.’ But my husband was a narcissist who could never be at fault, so let’s leave it at that.

I could never understand why someone would leave without warning, without trying to work on the marriage, and give no closure on why they left. I couldn’t begin to imagine the agony and pain that would cause the other person. But it would be wrong for us to think all people value a marriage the same way. It’s clear you did value it, and were willing to work on it had you known. Maybe she gave a different weightage to it. There’s a poem I read that I don’t agree with, but it gave me a different vantage point on some people’s thought process. It goes like…

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

-Cheryl Strayed-

I hope you find calmness and closure.